I have one child, a son. Whether he has children will be entirely dependent on some woman someday deciding to allow him to reproduce. He can't do it on his own, and she is entirely free to dispose of any in utero grandchildren of mine without consulting him, me or my husband, her own family, or anyone else up until the minute it gasps for breath outside the womb. Even though this hypothetical child is half his genetically, and even if it is viable outside of the womb, and even if he wanted that child and was willing to raise it alone, eschewing any support, monetary or otherwise, she could destroy it and and tell him with a smile and these horrible women would shout with glee about what a triumph her choice would be for womankind.
Amanda Marcotte has made up some faux sympathy cards for men who are upset that their partners chose abortion. Now Amanda is on an average day a wretched piece of smug, condescending, bitter and angry agitprop that respirates, but this particular bit of hers made me physically ill. Here's the deal, pro-deathers, some men actually want to have children and anticipate experiencing that aspect of life with women who are not assassin droids.
Here are some tender words of feminity from our friends at Pandagon:
If a man tried to pull that crap with me, I’d tell him that if he cares about the embryo so much then he should get to work on inventing a way to transfer the pregnancy into his own body. Oh, you don’t really want this thing to leech off your body for several months? Well, I don’t either.
Has anybody read some of the “testimonials” on the FFF site? Yikes.
A bunch of whinging and crying about how a woman’s abortion has ruined their lives.
A sadder bunch of selfish douchwads I’ve never had the misfortune to come across - if they exist at all.
Perhaps there should be a whole line of cards:And a flower of sympathy at Feministing:
“I’m sorry she made you use a condom”
“I share your pain in finding out about her diaphragm”
“You’d be a dad if it weren’t for that IUD. I feel your agony.”
But there is no legitimacy to him feeling like that. This isnt a miscarriage its an abortion. Trying to 'meet him halfway' will result in loss of rights of women. You dont legitimaze unhealthy entitlement. Just like you dont make a card for a guy that says 'sorry she chose to have a kid rather than abort.' Trying to claim that men are harmed by these personal reproductive decisions women make IS having it dominated by anti-choice ideology.I swear, abortion rhetoric is sounding more computer generated by the day. Except for the typos.
Now, I'm outing myself here as anti-abortion which is probably not such a huge surprise, but as a pragmatist and a realist, I have come to believe that abortion is here to stay. The cat's out of the bag, there's no shoving it back in. What I would like to address is the idea that in a relationship the woman decides anything regarding procreation and has the greater vote. If you are married, these have to be mutual decisions. (If you are unmarried, don't sign up for single motherhood. Just don't.) And his opinion matters. He may be able to view the situation from a different standpoint, perhaps even more objectively given the lack of new hormones rushing through this bloodstream. Yes, parenting is a sacrifice, and for the first bit the mother pulls the lion's share. She carries the baby, she nurses the baby, she hauls the baby around. Her body isn't her own for a good long time. But it's not as though fathers are unaffected. Fathers also raise and support. Fathers have to assist their wives and live through the upside-down postpartum craziness. Fathers very frequently pay for the better part of the family's expenses. We have to respect that.
We seem to be reaching a point in society where - unlike back in the early 1960's when the pill was first introduced and advocated for use in serious situations only - if a pregnancy interferes with, say, the nail appointment you've got schedule in 3 weeks, delete it. The above women would say that because a woman has to carry a pregnancy, hers is the only voice. Her body, her choice. I say that if that is your attitude, get your tubes tied because the Number 1 principle of parenting is sacrifice, and if you can't even compromise in hypothetical negotiations about reproduction, well...
My advice to the man whose girlfriend (which seems to be the situation hypothesized here) chooses to abort without telling him or against his strong protestations: get out of that relationship and start looking for someone with stronger maternal streak. And my very real condolences to you on your loss.