Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Piece of Advice #115: Teach your girls not to rape

Originally, I was going to talk about hitting and physical violence among women since new evidence has shown that frequently, in roughly 40% of cases, men are the target of domestic violence. We are so programmed by our duplicitous media to regard women as victims, that younger generations cannot imagine such a high rate of abuse victims are men - except for young people who grew up in the households of abusive women. They can imagine all too well.

I've known a number of men personally who were perhaps not physically beaten by their wives or partners, but were subjected to endless psychological abuse, crazy, jealous, or controlling behavior. At least three of these men's wives took a blowtorch to their lives, and they barely survived. They were normal men whose lives were ruined when vicious women used the system against them for fun and profit.

Teach your girls not to be like that.

Start with the idea that they need to keep their hands them themselves. That just because they're cute and small, they don't get a free pass on hitting. It's not okay to hit a boy just because he's bigger or male. Then move up to the idea that "Want, take, have" is a philosophy suited to psychopaths not women, and certainly not ladies.

It's distressing to read all of the recent stories about adult women who have taken sexual advantage of the boys entrusted to them socially or professionally, like local teacher Jamila Williams who sexually molested two of her students. This is not an isolated incident. Women pedophiles are becoming more common. I'll forgive you if you haven't read more of the hundreds of these cases (h/t SOBL1). The media doesn't seem to think they are as interesting as priest pedophile cases. We are still getting thorough coverage of archived Catholic scandals in the national press, although female pedophile cases are much more of a trend now. Where there is little oversight, predators will roam, and schools apparently are great hunting grounds these days.

Some may say boys who are sexually molested by women must consent or sex cannot occur, but the fact remains that these boys are still minors. Their brains have not fully formed, and they cannot conceptualize the legal responsibilities they will have for their predators' children should these women become pregnant or what life with herpes (or antibiotic-resistant Gonorrhea) will be like. We shelter them from the responsibilities of voting and drinking because our society thinks they are unready. If it's wrong for a 30-year-old man to have consensual sex with a 15-year-old girl because one is adult and has adult understanding and the other is a child with inadequate experience, it's wrong for women to have sex with boys as well. Personally, I don't think we have the punishments right for these "consensual" sex cases, but I do agree that this isn't trivial stuff. I'm not raising my son to believe sex is like a handshake and matters just as little.

Then there are the truly crazy cases, like the one in Chicago where the nurse had sex with a medicated patient without his consent. It's fair to say that if on college campuses consensual sex must contractual, having sex with your drugged up patient is rape. You can't broker any kind of business if you can't count to 10.

For those confused about how women (and girls) should respect men's boundaries physically, psychologically, emotionally, sexually, and legally, remember: What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Monday, November 15, 2010

More thoughts on girls, sex, and our society

Having gone through all the comments on my previous post, Mothers, don't rely on the police to do the job of a father, I decided that I had reacted angrily, emotionally, and impatiently when I wrote it up.  Therefore, I changed the title and and made some edits because I do not want to give the impression that I think sex between an older adult man such as Raymond Bush and a very young girl is in any way condonable.  When Mary Kay Letourneau was molesting Vili Fualaau we called it molesting because she was an adult and he was a minor child, unprepared for all the repercussions sex can have and the onus was on her to behave according to the rules of society, rules she had many, many more years to learn.  Raymond Bush was also an adult and what he did our society considers illegal and completely unacceptable.  He was also apparently unstable and probably a danger to others, including other young girls.  So he was subject to the law just as Mary Kay Letourneau was.

I was also unfair to Taylor's mother.  I know almost nothing about her, only that she has children and is no longer married to Taylor's father.  My reaction to the circumstances which led to what happened to her daughter was speculation based on patterns I've seen in our society and not based on accurate information about her or her life.  I judged her without much evidence, and that was wrong.  I was wrong.  I can be proud, but I am not foolish enough to think that I might not have made the same or similar decisions had I been born her.   There but for the grace of God go I.  I have removed Taylor's last name and her mother's name from that blog piece.  I apologize sincerely.

However, both of those stories still illustrate quite clearly what our society has become and will continue to devolve into without the personal input, authority, and protection of men.  It absolutely exasperates me that we hear these stories night after night on the news and in our newspapers and among our friends and within our communities and we still are nodding our heads and smiling when Jennifer Aniston says stuff like:
Women are realising it more and more knowing that they don't have to settle with a man just to have that child.
and going to movies like Eat, Pray, Love in droves when we should be looking around and noticing that everything goes to garbage when the important contributions of men are ridiculed, shunted aside, devalued, and undermined.  Yes, some men walk out.  Some fathers bail.  And in the absence of ladylike behavior,  gentlemanly behavior has largely faded away.  But telling ourselves men aren't necessary and encouraging other women to go motherhood alone is, at best, unbelievably stupid and, at worst, actively evil.

Furthermore, sexualizing young girls as we do will only result in more of these tragedies.  The examples girls get in books, magazines, movies, fashion and from their older female friends and relatives tell them that sex is enticing, that sex is power and the sooner you can get that power the better.  We also as a society have told them that we don't expect chaste or risk-averse behavior from them every time we give them condoms or agitate for abortion without parental consent.  We have made it plain what we expect them to do, we do not adequately supervise them, and then we act like it's a terrible shock when they wind up pregnant in droves or when they take older lovers. The fact is that if you give a 14-year-old girl the encouragement, motive, and opportunity to have sex, she will choose the partner she finds most sexy, most powerful, most able to take her places or give her things or experiences, and a boy her age is unlikely to top that list.  We have to own that we as a society set up our boys and our girls to fail this test and that we are part of the problem.  Until we change ourselves, our own societal expectations, and what we teach girls, they will act sexually and be sexual, and there will be more chaos and violence.  Because a pretty, young girl has a transient but potent power, and it can be wielded disastrously.  This is why we used to clamp down on the sexual power of girls and young women because we understood the danger for her and for society and we did not consider her opportunity to enjoy her sexual power or "explore her sexuality" more important than the chaos that kind of power can and so often does cause.

We can choose to focus on Bush and his role of predator or we can see how we every day set the stage for this drama to occur and reoccur over and over and over again and watch the bodies pile up.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Piece of Advice #78: Mothers, don't rely on the police to do the job of a father

There have been (at least) two cases in Michigan in the last few weeks involving young girls who died tragically after having had sex with older men.  Most recently Samantha Kelly of Huron Township committed suicide.  Samantha's case is complex; she was 14 years old and apparently had consensual sex with Joseph Tarnopolski, a boy who lived a few houses down from hers.  Tarnopolski was 18 and a senior at the high school Samantha attended.  The two were friendly, Samantha was, according to initial testimony she gave police and texts she sent, anxious to lose her virginity, and they had sex while his parents were out.  Apparently it wasn't that great or things went badly afterward because she told her mother about it, and her mother (featured below) went to the police and had "rape" charges brought against Tarnopolski.  To be more precise the police charged him with Third Degree Criminal Sexual Conduct which broken down is penetrative sex with a minor aged 13, 14, or 15.  It carries a possible sentence of 15 years in prison.

Yes, that's right: 15 years in prison.

About three weeks later on October 18th Samantha and June Justice, her mother, gave an interview to Fox News and the story she told was different.  In the new version Tarnopolski had prevented Samantha from leaving while they were having sex and had pulled her leg when she stood up.  Samantha implied rape this time instead of consensual sex between a minor and a fledgling adult man.  It seems logical that June didn't like what the police were concluding: that her daughter had wanted and initiated sex with this boy and that she was using them in place of Samantha's missing father to punish Tarnopolski.  More drama was needed to firmly convince everyone of the victimization that had occurred.  Unfortunately for Samantha, the Fox News report named Justice, Tarnopolski, and Samantha's high school in the interview.  From there everything went down in the halls of Huron High.  Samantha was bullied, branded a liar, and made to feel unsafe.  She killed herself this week.  Without a witness to the crime or any incriminating evidence, all charges were dropped against Joseph Tarnopolski.

The second case involves another 14 year old girl having consensual sex, this time with a much older man.  Taylor M. of Harrison had a year-long affair (beginning at age 14) with Raymond Bush who was 20 years her senior.  It was apparently serious - Bush had Taylor's name tattooed on his back - until her mother discovered what was going on and involved the police.  Again Third Degree Criminal Sexual Conduct charges were brought, and Taylor was sent to live with her father.  Bush was told to make no contact, but he repeatedly tried to communicate with her on the days leading up to the court hearing in which she was scheduled to testify against him.  The day of the hearing Bush abducted and killed Taylor, then killed himself.

What do these cases have in common?  Young girls from broken families, insufficiently supervised and wanting to be sexually active.  Also mothers who used the police as backup to help contain their daughters' sexual exploration and punish the men who had sex with their daughters.  And long prison sentences forecast for two men.

Frankly, fourteen is too young for girls to be sexually active.  There is too much at stake physically, emotionally, and psychologically.  But it is unbelievably hypocritical to punish men who sleep with 14-year-old girls who initiate consensual sex with long prison sentences when at the same time our government and schools push for birth control and access to abortion for these same girls without the consent or knowledge of their parents.  Let's pick one.  Either these girls are girls still and should not be having sex and should also have consequences for engaging in illegal sexual conduct or they are women who can choose to have sex with whomever they like regardless of the age of their lovers.

And here's a little more brutal honesty: Samantha at least was doomed to be precociously sexual the moment the hospital nurse tagged her baby wrist with her mother's name.  According to news reports, June has four children.  Those children have three different last names.  June was willing to put her daughter's sexual experiences on Fox News to get her revenge and her time in the victim spotlight.  June has obviously made any number of bad choices and, from the looks of it, Samantha was on schedule to follow in her footsteps.  Her death is sad, but her life was undoubtedly going to be sad too.  Taylor's mother didn't know her daughter was having an affair with a 35-year-old man for an entire year.  Obviously she wasn't totally plugged in to all the critical details of her daughter's personal development.

I completely support a mother's desire to delay her daughter's sexual activity well into adulthood and marriage.  I also would be angry to find out she was involved with either of the aforementioned men.  I would actively work to cease contact and step up supervision of my daughter - because she is my investment and concern.  As long as she continues to seek out sex and have the opportunity, she will get it, especially given the number of people out there working to undermine parents' control of their children's sexual exploration.  Does it really matter whether the man she has sex with is 15, 18, or 35?  With any of them she can become pregnant, contract a disease, or grow debauched/jaded.  It's all bad.

Finally, the steep prison sentence for Third Degree Criminal Sexual Conduct has to be considered a factor in the above tragic outcomes.  Would Raymond Bush have abducted and murdered the girl he thought he loved if he hadn't been looking at 15 years in prison?  Would the kids at Huron High School dropped the matter if Joseph Tarnopolski hadn't been about to lose any chance at a good life?  Even if the second version of events Samantha Kelly told was correct, the punishment on the slate for Tarnopolski did not fit the crime.  People who are threatened with the complete ruination of their future often get a little twitchy.  They make impulsive decisions.  Perhaps they let their friends try to even the score.  All actions have consequences.  None of us operate in a vacuum.  The laws for Criminal Sexual Conduct need to be reworked if we as a society plan to continue encouraging young girls to explore their sexuality.  If we don't want girls to be sexual at a young age, we need to stop sexualizing them early and give them consequences too if they participate willingly in illegal sexual conduct.

Addendum 11/15/10:  Read my follow up thoughts here.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Piece of Advice #70: Don't talk about your sex life

My sister was talking to me tonight about a coworker of hers, a woman in her early thirties, who is dating a nice guy but doesn't know if she wants to keep dating him because "the sex isn't that great."  My sister was about to offer her response when I interrupted.

"Wait," I said, "She's discussing her sex life with you?  Your coworker?"

"Yes," she said, "they all do.  They just start talking about it.  I don't really want to know about it, so I just make sort of noncommittal noises when they bring it up."

I've been out of the workforce for awhile.  Thinking back, I remember one coworker - the one with the most colorful sex life - discussing things I could easily and happily have not known about her.  But that's it.  Apparently oversharing is the wave of the future or, rather, the present.

Don't do that.  There are a number of reasons:

  1. Some things should be private, and sex is one of them.  Bodily functions is another.  We don't need to know.  I don't want to know.  Please don't tell me.  And don't tell someone else who might tell me.  I'm fine with seeing you or thinking about you in a more limited, nonsexual way.
  2. Sexual behavior is judged.  Whether people think you are too boring or too debauched, they will make judgments and that will affect their future interactions with you.  You especially should not discuss your sex life at work or among people who have power over you or could affect your future goals.  Or with people who might be disturbed or turned on by what you're talking about.  Talking about sex at work is completely unprofessional behavior.
  3. Discussing details of your sex life is telling other people about the sex life of at least one other person (unless you are discussing masturbation, and - again - please don't go there) which is a betrayal of his or her privacy.  Hopefully if you are having sex with someone, that means that you at least care for him.  We don't betray the privacy of people we care about.  We also don't discuss or rate their sexual skills as if they were paid performers.  Word gets around, and a loose admission can mean embarrassment or humiliation for another person.       
There are people out there whose vocation is to try and improve the sex lives of others.  They share details of their own sexual experience because it is part of their work.  The rest of us when we talk about sex should discuss it in general and keep the specifics to ourselves.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Piece of Advice #65: Aim higher than prostitution

Seriously.  You can do it.  You have it in you to be more than just a paid hole to plug.

It used to be that all women acknowledged the truth that prostitution was the vocation of last resort. All other avenues being closed to you, your family dead or having turned you off, no money, no skills, no friends, no strings to pull, that's when you wound up on the street.  Because if you didn't have anything else, you always had your vagina, and someone would pay to use it.  It was a way to stay alive, but it was the last stop before checking out, and women dealt with it mostly by drinking or drugging so much they were out of their minds when they had to perform their work duties.

Now it seems prostitution or one of its sister jobs, stripping and pornography, is viewed by some young women as a first step on the ladder to success.  No longer is it demeaning to spread your legs for strangers.  Now it's empowering.  It gets you noticed.  It gets your foot in the door.

Last week news broke that Laurence Fishburne's daughter, Montana, was getting her leg up via pornography.  Some quotes:
"[My dad] is very upset. I heard that he's mad at me but I haven't spoken to him yet," Montana Fishburne, 19, told, adding that her famous father is "very hurt" over her decision to star in an X-rated flick.

But Montana - who also goes by the name "Chippy D" - thinks she'll be able to work her way back into the "Matrix" star's good graces. "I feel pretty confident that I can work things out with him," she told the gossip Web site. Montana even thinks her dad might eventually get behind her new career move. "I think he wants to support me in everything I do," she said, "and though he sees this now as a negative, I believe in time he will view it as a positive."

Although Montana told TMZ she didn't warn her dad about her steamy career move, she said she plans to meet with him soon to explain her motives.

"I've watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape," Montana said in a press release from Vivid Entertainment. "I'm hoping the same magic will work for me. I'm impatient about getting well-known and having more opportunities and this seemed like a great way to get started on it."
A few thoughts:

  • Any job that requires you to take a stage name like "Chippy D" is a bad idea.  A BAD idea.  
  • Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are not role models.  They are screwed up kids from rich families who have made money because watching them makes regularly dysfunctional people feel superior.  And everyone likes to feel superior.  No one should view a leaked sex tape as an opportunity.  It should be the cue that your life is so off target that the honorable routes open to you are suicide or volunteer penal colony hard labor supervised by nuns.  
  • Montana is delusional that her father will ever get behind this career.  He may still love her, but being proud of her is now pretty much out the window.  Who can be proud knowing you have a stupid, slutty attention whore short-cut taker for a daughter?  
I know I've said before that given no boundaries people will act like animals and go for short-term gratification over dignity, integrity and long-term success, but it baffles me how we as young women could go from wanting to be doctors to wanting to be strippers in just one or two generations.  I mean, come on!  Sex work is the opposite of empowering.  No one respects you, and your "power" is ephemeral, lasting only as long as it takes for whoever you are working for to get off.

Mothers, if you see any sign that your daughters are starting to glorify the pole, it's time to shut down all access to the outside world and enroll them in convent school.  Cloistered convent school.  There will always be girls who make terrible decisions that put them on the slow (or quick) slide to the bottom.  Some girls are full of self-loathing and will choose this to get them the life they feel they deserve.  But to see girls with everything - girls like Miley and Montana Fishburne - embrace pornography and lap-dancing is a sign of the end times.  The end of our civilization.  

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Piece of Advice #62: Cheat not

When I was in college, I lived in a women's dorm; rooms were closed to male visitors for all but a few hours of the week.  All of my roommates and suitemates were from middle class, mostly intact families, and the admission standards for the university I attended required a certain level of intelligence and self-discipline.  So I was a bit surprised at all the cheating going on.

In one calendar year I saw three incidents of cheating/near cheating.  One of my roommates cheated on her fiancĂ© with her fiancĂ©'s best friend who also happened to be engaged to one of her best friends.  Two couples, two cheaters.  My roommate knew what she was doing was wrong and would probably hurt two people she cared about very badly, but she was addicted to the thrill of sleeping with her illicit lover.  He was apparently very exciting.  I was lucky enough to exit that living arrangement by the time everything blew up.  I heard it went down ugly.

Another roommate moved out of the dorm and went to live with her boyfriend.  They had the worst relationship I had ever seen. She was so abusive to him, calling him ugly and stupid and telling him that he was going nowhere and that his mother was right when she told him he was a loser.  He stayed, as far as I could see, because her father's VISA card paid the rent and perhaps because he'd been trained at home to take this sort of vitriolic commentary on his shortcomings.  It was awful.  In any case, one night he brought home a friend - a guy he introduced me to and whom I dated for a short time - and my roommate and this friend got it on in the bedroom while he stayed and got drunker in the living room.  She confessed this all to me tearfully.  She was afraid I would not forgive her for sleeping with this loser.  After all, we had gone out.  She didn't care what her boyfriend thought or felt about what she'd done.

Another roommate flirted with cheating for two semesters.  Her boyfriend had graduated and moved far away, but they were still a couple.  She had a really hard time staying faithful.  She kept hooking up and telling herself she needed this, and then her boyfriend would fly back for Christmas and she would vow to do better because he was such a great guy, and then inevitably, she'd be getting lots of calls from "Steve" or "Mike," and the whole cycle would start over again.

What I didn't understand about any of the above is why these women didn't just break up with their boyfriends.  None of them were married, and all of them were in some way unhappy with the terms of their relationships.  These weren't women with no other options either.  In the last case, my roommate was literally flooded with options.  The phone never stopped ringing.

Here's the thing: cheating is bad.  It's bad when guys do it, and it's bad when girls do it too.  It's cruel and selfish, and it sets up someone you have publicly professed to have feelings for to be humiliated.  It amplifies the sadness of a break up, and that can have further consequences that can't always be predicted.  Lovers who are cheated on sometimes get violent.  Sometimes they get even.

It also makes you look really, really bad.  I would insert the old adage, "Cheaters never prosper," here, but I'm afraid that they sometimes do.  It's still a bad idea to tell the world that you are untrustworthy, that you do not keep your promises or mean it when you profess to love someone.  Because sleeping with some other guy is not a loving act; it's not the act of a woman of integrity.

Break it off with your boyfriend if you aren't happy - before you get involved with someone else.  If you are married, shake off temptation and stay married.  You made vows.  There's a certain satisfaction in becoming and being the kind of person who keeps the promises she makes.