Showing posts with label Denying Self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Denying Self. Show all posts

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Piece of Advice #5: Don't volunteer for single motherhood

Throughout history there have always been single mothers - widows, jilted wives, women who were raped and conceived, women who got pregnant and had no options or couldn't bear to be separated from their children so they braved social ostracism.  My grandmother was a single mother for most of her children's childhood - her husband was permanently disabled and in care for years.

This was never an ideal situation.  Never.  But as long as these single mother-headed households remained a small minority of families and there were uncles, grandfathers, or other men available as role models, it was not a catastrophe for children.  It was just another bad circumstance to survive.  Poverty was likely, but criminality not so much.

Now of course women feel entitled to be mothers - at any time, under any circumstance.  This is sheer folly and hubris.  Fathers are not optional, they are necessary for all children.  Women who go the sperm bank route place their own needs and wants over those of their children - the #1 no-no for any mother.  Unwanted pregnancies are another story, but it isn't as if women do not have options these days - birth control, abortion, and adoption are advertised continuously, and all are readily available.  Yet single motherhood seems today to be almost the "brave" choice now, instead of a shortsighted and selfish one.

For women who are not swayed by moral arguments or who do not believe that men are necessary to properly and adequately bring up a child, here's one more thing to ponder: having a child severely handicaps your ability to make the best marriage you can with a guy who is at least middle class, emotionally and financially stable, and of good market value.  Very few guys want to raise children who are not theirs biologically, and your child is infinitely less safe with a man in the house who is biologically unrelated to them.  You want to work harder than you have to, struggle with money and living arrangements, age before your time, and experience significant emotional stress?  Have a baby on your own.  If you'd rather start your life on a simple, easier, less stressful track, don't have a baby if you are not married.

My advice for an unwanted pregnancy - consider adoption.  Your child will very likely thank you someday for making a more stable choice for his future and for sparing his life so he might live it.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Piece of Advice #3: Show some humility

It's easier to bend your neck than climb a ladder.

What I mean by that is that most people will be kind and respectful to you if you are kind and respectful first.  And humble.  The fact is, despite all the school curricula devoted to persuading each and every one of us how special we are, we really aren't that special.  There are billions of other women on the planet and many of them share your ideas, concerns, feelings, wants, needs, skills, gifts, talents, whatever.  Which is not to say you can't be good company, but, let's face it, we are all replaceable.

So don't act like you're God's gift.  If you are kind, friendly, respectful and giving, people won't want to order you around or abuse you.  Some of them will go out of their way to do nice things for you unasked.  Kindness is contagious, and no one wants to hurt someone they like.  Feminism stresses that the only way to control your destiny is to be the boss, but 1) not everyone can be the boss, obviously, 2) it's a lot of effort to get to be the boss and work to maintain it, and 3) none of us are truly in charge of our own destinies.  Even the boss's will is only one factor of many in the way things turn out.

So laugh at yourself.  Admit when you are wrong.  Ask forgiveness if you offend.  Do something kind for someone else unasked, not expecting anything in return.  Earn some social cred - you may find it's a good investment of your time and effort for both society and your own self-interest.