In the times we live in, so drenched in media spin, propaganda, and emotionalism, it is easy to see people with whom we do not agree as enemies or degenerates or idiots. People like to band together; it gives them back up and a sense of belonging, but having an us vs. them mentality often leads to cruelty, bullying, and depersonalization.
For significant parts of my life I've been surrounded by people with whom I disagree vehemently about politics and social issues, and it is often challenging to hold strong beliefs and still view people as people without letting the anger seep in, but I have tried. I find it easy to be polite and even kind; it is harder to look below the political or behavioral level and isolate the person and their value. The clash of cultures and changing belief systems in our western world amplify the difficulty, but I belong to a religious tradition that advocates repentance, forgiveness and love as well as adherence to dogma and right behavior.
People are not garbage. It can be incredibly frustrating to see people in aggregate making terrible choices that will affect all of us and not be able to do anything about it, but it's important to understand that the culture is broken and that many people do not have the sort of moral compass or upbringing distinguishing right from wrong - except what feels right or fair at that moment. There is an arrogance in believing that you or I can determine a person's worth based on what we discern about them in a given moment. Be humble. Look deeper.
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Thank you for writing this post. I recently read about the student at Rutgers who committed suicide after his roommate filmed him. I think it is sad the degree to which we have embraced cruelty and truly demeaning behavior as appropriate and even funny. I hope people read this and try to be kinder and more understanding as a result.
ReplyDeleteAnother great post grerp.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm guilty of doing this at times. At my best I try to view a philosophical disagreement as an opportunity to understand where I and the other side diverge. I think it is exceedingly unlikely to change someone else's mind. If I'm lucky though I can understand why we have often wildly different takes on something.
But of course I'm not always at my best.
If the people with whom we disagree ARE enemies and/or degenerates and/or idiots,is it wrong to SEE them as such?
ReplyDeleteAgree with you, Grerp. We can ally with people on certain issues -- and get to know them -- and still disagree with them.
ReplyDeleteWe do not need to swallow the kool-aid and have our thoughts and friendships determined by some party ticket or ideology.
Besides, those people who do that are either boring, or are denying part of their humanity. The latter is... evil.
When you segregate people as undesirable because of their politics or race or religion or citizenship, you open yourself and others up to abusing them. It is no secret that human beings have it within them to be barbaric to people they hate and/or disrespect. I did not write this piece of advice solely for the benefit of people I or you disagree with, but also for us. We retain our humanity when we try to see the humanity in others, even when they do things that anger, disgust or repel us.
ReplyDeleteTolerance for tolerance's sake is amoral. It's not caring. It's also fairly lazy. Hedonists are tolerant. Sociopaths are tolerant. This is not about tolerance.
It's also not about conversion. While it is true that we can't make a difference in other people's lives or the society we live in if we are seen as hateful, the amount of difference we can make in societal trends is negligible anyway. The things that hold society together - the family, religion, shared values - are decaying quickly now and will not be shored up with rhetoric or social networking.
But we can keep our own humanity and our own humility by not objectifying others. It's an interesting coincidence that people who objectify and label others as valuable and valueless almost always elevate the value of people like themselves. So again, it's about pride. "I'm better than you and people like you." I don't want to go there. I do not choose to value the things Western culture currently values, but perhaps if I were a different person, born to different people, raised in a different way, I would have. I can see that and still reject emphatically as immoral and unproductive the direction I see our society going.
This has sometimes been challenging for me. I have found it particularly difficult to be around women who are staunchly pro-choice and who like to broadcast their views. I find it profoundly unfeminine and unwomanly to fight for the right to kill your own baby. I also react strongly and negatively to people who are prejudiced against religion and religious people. I've heard plenty of this in my years online and it has angered me. I've found it hard to hold my tongue. But I am not interested in fostering any sense of superiority in myself or in letting any cruel part of me out to play.
I hope this holds for single mothers too.
ReplyDeleteElinor
Oh, Elinor, Elinor, Elinor! Haven't you figured out yet that GRERP doesn't hate single mothers? That she doesn't wish on the unsuspecting woman the difficulties that can come with single motherhood?
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a single parent family when there were no social programs available. Let me tell you it isn't the easiest way to go. It does leave scars. Yes, it is survivable, but being in a two parent family certainly would have been easier. That is what GRERP is trying to get across. She wants women to give themselves their best opportunities and choices.
It sounds like your tunnel vision and dislike of her positions are getting in the way.
This was a very good post, grerp. It seems that online especially, the ability to see people as individuals has been lost.
ReplyDeletegrerp, this is an excellent post - I resolve to do a better job of this. I get particularly entrenched in my views sometimes, and the discussion can quickly become about the battle rather than the germane issue.
ReplyDeleteAs a fairly conservative person who lives in Boston, I have learned to keep many of my opinions to myself when we socialize. I have a couple of friends who share the same views, and we get together sometimes to talk politics in secret, haha. It's just not worth it - knowing that I'll be seen differently, even possibly cast out, for voicing a dissenting opinion. The truth is that most people have trouble separating the person from the politics.
Elinor - Yes, it definitely holds true for single mothers as well. In fact I wrote it after I had very friendly conversations with two different single mothers whose children are in my son's after-school activities. They seemed very committed to their sons' success in life, and I wish the best for them. I also hope that the boys' dads have full access to their sons and a meaningful place in their lives.
ReplyDeleteMy point in writing about single motherhood is to convey how difficult it can be for all involved so that fewer people deliberately opt for it. My grandmother was a single mother; my grandfather was permanently disabled when my mother was young and in the hospital. By all accounts (she died before I was born) she was a lovely, kind, and fun woman. She was also minimally educated and terrible with money, and the family was poor and moved constantly. Her kids spent plenty of time unsupervised. My mother went to a bunch of different schools and was organizing the details of their life from the age of 10 or so. When I hear my mom talk about her childhood it sounds very different from my dad's childhood or my own, and I'm grateful I had a more stable situation to grow up in.
Terry - thanks. I agree with you; the online world can be a pretty hostile place.
Susan - I fully understand. I've learned to keep silent in a lot of situations as well.
Thanks for this.
ReplyDelete"It is all too easy to find evil in others or in the world at large and we may even reach the conclusion that we are good in comparison. This is like comparing a toad and a frog in their appetites for differing types of flies. Which has more refined taste?"
ReplyDelete