Sunday, August 8, 2010

Piece of Advice #62: Cheat not

When I was in college, I lived in a women's dorm; rooms were closed to male visitors for all but a few hours of the week.  All of my roommates and suitemates were from middle class, mostly intact families, and the admission standards for the university I attended required a certain level of intelligence and self-discipline.  So I was a bit surprised at all the cheating going on.

In one calendar year I saw three incidents of cheating/near cheating.  One of my roommates cheated on her fiancĂ© with her fiancĂ©'s best friend who also happened to be engaged to one of her best friends.  Two couples, two cheaters.  My roommate knew what she was doing was wrong and would probably hurt two people she cared about very badly, but she was addicted to the thrill of sleeping with her illicit lover.  He was apparently very exciting.  I was lucky enough to exit that living arrangement by the time everything blew up.  I heard it went down ugly.

Another roommate moved out of the dorm and went to live with her boyfriend.  They had the worst relationship I had ever seen. She was so abusive to him, calling him ugly and stupid and telling him that he was going nowhere and that his mother was right when she told him he was a loser.  He stayed, as far as I could see, because her father's VISA card paid the rent and perhaps because he'd been trained at home to take this sort of vitriolic commentary on his shortcomings.  It was awful.  In any case, one night he brought home a friend - a guy he introduced me to and whom I dated for a short time - and my roommate and this friend got it on in the bedroom while he stayed and got drunker in the living room.  She confessed this all to me tearfully.  She was afraid I would not forgive her for sleeping with this loser.  After all, we had gone out.  She didn't care what her boyfriend thought or felt about what she'd done.

Another roommate flirted with cheating for two semesters.  Her boyfriend had graduated and moved far away, but they were still a couple.  She had a really hard time staying faithful.  She kept hooking up and telling herself she needed this, and then her boyfriend would fly back for Christmas and she would vow to do better because he was such a great guy, and then inevitably, she'd be getting lots of calls from "Steve" or "Mike," and the whole cycle would start over again.

What I didn't understand about any of the above is why these women didn't just break up with their boyfriends.  None of them were married, and all of them were in some way unhappy with the terms of their relationships.  These weren't women with no other options either.  In the last case, my roommate was literally flooded with options.  The phone never stopped ringing.

Here's the thing: cheating is bad.  It's bad when guys do it, and it's bad when girls do it too.  It's cruel and selfish, and it sets up someone you have publicly professed to have feelings for to be humiliated.  It amplifies the sadness of a break up, and that can have further consequences that can't always be predicted.  Lovers who are cheated on sometimes get violent.  Sometimes they get even.

It also makes you look really, really bad.  I would insert the old adage, "Cheaters never prosper," here, but I'm afraid that they sometimes do.  It's still a bad idea to tell the world that you are untrustworthy, that you do not keep your promises or mean it when you profess to love someone.  Because sleeping with some other guy is not a loving act; it's not the act of a woman of integrity.

Break it off with your boyfriend if you aren't happy - before you get involved with someone else.  If you are married, shake off temptation and stay married.  You made vows.  There's a certain satisfaction in becoming and being the kind of person who keeps the promises she makes.


  1. Being cheated on @*&^%$ing hurts.

    I don't tolerate it with anyone that I am with, and I will never be a part of it for someone else who is in a relationship with another person.

    It's one of the reasons that I'm not a very trusting person.

    I don't want to go through that hell ever again, and I don't want to send some other guy, who I may know or may not know, as well as who may be a totally decent guy who I'd sit down and have a cold drink with in an instant through that hell.

    And it is Hell. Listen to the song "Hell" by the band Disturbed, and you'll have a better understanding of what's going through someone's mind in that situation.

    If you've ever been on the receiving end of being cheated on, then you know what kind of pain is involved. You know the kinds of ideas and thoughts that enter into your mind, and you know how close to acting on them you get. You'll see how thin the line between sanity and insanity really it; and how cruel humanity ultimately can be.

    If you want to turn Brad, the mild-mannered engineer into a blood-thirsty, gun wielding maniac who's decided that he'll never be taken alive, then have him find out that his wife has cheated on him, and watch the show that follows.

  2. "Break it off with your boyfriend if you aren't happy - before you get involved with someone else."

    Sensible advice, advice that will unfortunately go unheeded.

    When I got together with my ex-girlfriend I told her point blank: "If you're interested in someone else, just tell me,we'll break up and then you can fuck whoever you want. It won't bother me a bit, as long as you understand I'll be doing the same."

    She had a clear get-out-of-jail-free card,no questions, no judgment, no hard feelings. What did she do? She snuck around behind my back and fucked someone else while were together.

    After it happened, all I could do was ask "Why?". It made absolutely NO sense. My brain was literally locked in place. I could not process the fact that this had actually happened. Her answer to my query: "I don't know."

    So there you have it. Women like this don't have a reason for cheating, they don't even know why they do it themselves, and they would rather cheat,even knowing that there won't be any hurt feelings or consequences if they break up with their boyfriends to pursue others.

    So,like I said,women will show up with all kinds of justifications for cheating and will not listen to your mature and sensible words, because it's too logical.

  3. Great post.

    While not on the line of cheating, my current gf knows that I have gone out to a club with friends and danced with other women, but I never hooked up with any of them. She also wasn't happy when she found out that the night I met her I also wanted to get to know her friend because she was friendly (note: we were not dating at this point). This pushed her to the point she is right now where her concern is that I'm projecting insecurities and it is making her insecure..her past relationships have fucked her up.

    ...Is that a form of cheating? Where is the line drawn? MOre importantly how does one go about regaining the trust?

  4. Anonymous 3:23 - I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like it really did a number on you and still hurts. I once had someone break off a long distance relationship that had gone on too long by having his ex come out of his bedroom just when I arrived at his apartment to see him after a long time spent apart. It sucked. The break up needed to happen, and this was a very effective way to do it, but it kicked in my heart and my pride at the same time. So in a small way I can relate. I'm sorry.

    Anonymous 9:12 - I honestly don't understand that. It's beyond me. I mentioned my roommates above because I think it's fashionable now to think that people behave badly because they don't have options or are under pressure in some way, when really many of them behave the way they do because they can. But I will never understand this have-an-out-but-refuse-to-use-it deal. Unless she's cheating with a sexy thug but you're better LTR material. That's having your cake and eating it too. Nasty. And, if true, bad on her.

    Anonymous 4:48 - What do you want from this relationship? Does it have long term potential? Is your gf capable of trust? Because if she isn't and you'd like to have more freedom to dance and flirt with other women, I'd just cut your losses. On the other hand, if you do really like her and she is capable of trusting and you want to put the effort in, I'd advise you to knock off the flirting with other women and be as transparent as you can with her. Show up when you say you will, be where you say you're going to be. Be trustworthy. Over time she will see that you are who you say you are and that you have invested yourself in this relationship. Unless she's a nutcase or one of those people who think strictly with their emotions. In that case, just enjoy the ride until it's time to get off & try not to hurl when your car does the loop-de-loop.

  5. "But I will never understand this have-an-out-but-refuse-to-use-it deal. Unless she's cheating with a sexy thug but you're better LTR material. That's having your cake and eating it too. Nasty."

    This was all in the past.The last time I saw her,she was pregnant with some retard's kid. But about a week after we broke up, she walked into a party where I was getting a lapdance from a stripper who I was with at that time,she was about a thousand times hotter than my ex. My ex took one look at me,then looked at the stripper,then ran out of the room crying.

    That was all the healing I needed to get over my feelings for her.

    At that moment, I was certain there was a god.

  6. Sadly, I used to love women.

    Now, I think that the majority of them are lacking any moral compass.

    While many of them are cautious not to act on their impulses constantly, they are so influenced by our hyper-sexualized culture that many of them can't be trusted in a relationship.

    I know there are good women, but they are very hard to find. Inter-female competition causes many of them to fall to lowest common denominator behavior.

    If she has to be a slut to be queen bee of the group, then a slut she shall be.

    Women are not bad, really. But absent a strong cultural environment that encourages moral behavior, women will always, always, always, follow the crowd.

  7. pretty much every time i had a woman throw herself at it was a woman in a "relationship". i can honestly say that i never did it. no matter the pressure. it resulted in a lot less sex for me. a lot. i don't regret it one bit. the women you've described are inferior and undeserving of everything life has to offer. then and now.