Friday, March 5, 2010

Piece of Advice #1: Stay married.

If you are married, first of all congratulate yourself.  You have managed to accomplish something many women of our generation and future generations have not and will not: persuading a man you are valuable enough for him to take himself off the sexual market and render himself vulnerable to a legal/economic system that favors women.

Now that you've congratulated yourself, don't screw it up.  Don't get complacent.  Don't get bored and have an affair.  Don't take him for granted.  And for God's sake, don't leave him and screw him over financially in family court.  Think long term.  Divorce is expensive, but separate lifestyles are financially ruinous.  Your children need a father (who doesn't hate their mother) living in their house parenting them, and you will not be happier divorced.  If you think Prince Charming is waiting on his white horse right around the corner to swoop you up in his arms and take you to the palace, think again.  Odds are, ten years ago you were better marriage material: younger, thinner, hotter, less desperate, and less bitter.  If Prince Charming wasn't making a bid then, why would he now?  Divorced you will be lonely, poorer, and harried taking care of your children on your own.  Your vacations and holidays will be exponentially more complicated since your ex-husband and in-laws will still want to see your children.  People get married because it is the least expensive, least complicated way to raise happy, healthy, successful children.

If he is not beating you or your children, sleeping with an army of skanks-on-the-side, or spending himself into an abyss of debt and taking you along, don't get divorced.  Trust me: happiness is cyclical, poverty lingers, and your kids have a better chance of staying out of jail or trouble if their father is present in their lives.  Isn't that worth staying for?


  1. So, it looks like you have been blogging for a grand total of 2 days. Nice to know I stumbled upon the ground floor, so to speak!

    You seem to have a level head, your feet on the ground, and a dry sense of humor - all three of which are good assets in a man OR a woman.

    I shall bookmark you and, like General MacArthur, "I shall return". ;)

  2. Interesting. Sounds like you have a lot of personal experience being a divorced woman.

  3. Glad you found it interesting, Aldonza, but I'm still married to my 1st husband. Going on 12 years now and counting my blessings.

  4. It is hard to give you meaningful feedback when you always hit the ball out of the park. So I'll just say "Great post!" once again...

    FYI, I just posted the first of a three part series of blogs on Grey Divorce that I think you might be interested in:

    This isn't directly related to your target audience, but it touches on how divorce is endlessly marketed to women, even when it is proven to be extremely detrimental to them.

  5. Oh, dalrock, you flatterer, you. :) Thanks very much!

  6. A friend of mine pointed me to your blog, and this title stuck out like a giant blinking red arrow. My husband and I have had a rough couple of years. Some days are good, some days are bad. I'm doing my best to hold it together, but some days I wonder if it will be worth it in the end if I stick it out in hopes that things will get better (as opposed to just calling it quits now). Thank you for confirming what my heart has been trying to tell my head.

  7. Great blog. You've hit the nail right on the head. People take baggage from one relationship to the next and wonder why none meet their expectations. Your target audience may also appreciate a book "Making Life Work" by Gordon MacDonald. It's got great advice on choosing a marriage partner. I was given it by a friend as my first marriage fell apart, and I took it to heart to make sure the second was for the long haul. God bless you!

  8. I just came across your blog - agree with some, but not with all. I just wanted to mention that I agree with this, in general. But, it's a pretty broad brush. And, honestly, if I hadn't been so determined to "stay married", I wouldn't have stayed with my ex as long as I did, and both my oldest child and I would have been a lot better off, physically (in my case), financially and emotionally.

    I agree with you, in general, but the ideal of staying married can also cause people to stay when divorce is, by far, the best option (my case was sort of the spending thing...but mostly one you didn't mention - addiction). And, I *did* end up with a "Prince Charming" (been married the 2nd time for just over 9 years, and wouldn't trade it, or him, for the world), even though I wasn't looking for one

    You also overlook that some marriages are really abusive, even if the abusive party (NOT always the husband) never lays a hand on the other.

    For all that, I like your blog and will keep reading. :)